Seductive Failure: My Loyal Companion in my Pursuit of Perfection

When I first envisioned what perfection might look like, it appeared as a diamond in my mind. Not because of the shape’s features of having equal sides and angles, but how each point represents one of the four cornerstones I perceive to embody perfection. One corner each for appearance, physicality, intellect, and prosperity. Remember those personality tests that would stretch a shaded area to a corner marked with an attribute? The higher the measure of that attribute, the closer your shaded area approached the corner of that characteristic. That’s how I imagine perfection, a completely shaded diamond, each corner touched by the outstretched shaded area. I understand this mentality is criticized as toxic and corrosive for self-esteem, but when failure itself in pursuit of my ideal of perfection is so seductive, I can’t help but keep up the chase..

While everyone places their own value on appearance, since my adolescence I’ve believed appearances matter. Regardless of your individual perspective, appearance is your first impression on the world. It reveals more than we realize. Appearances tell the world who we are on the surface, and for some what lingers beneath. For me, this relationship has always been about alignment. It’s rare for myself to be seen untidy. My clothes are form-fitting (and often flattering), any facial hair I have groomed and trimmed, hair styled and combed, my skin clean and perfumed. I appear in this form because beneath my exterior I yearn for perfection in my presentation, and I internally desire an appearance without observable flaws. This pursuit in perfection of appearance withstands the sieges of sluggish mental health days, lack of motivation, and jam-packed schedules. Contrary to many people’s belief, none of this rigor in maintaining appearance is for the sake of others, but for my own peace. It’s how I pay homage to myself and a tool utilized in maintaining my confidence.

While physicality can be a part of appearance, I view as its own corner in the diamond of perfection. This is because physicality is hidden beneath the clothes that portray our appearance. Despite everyone walking through the world in various shapes and sizes, optimal physicality has become a goal of mine. This pursuit commenced after 18 years of being underweight. However, this all changed the moment I discovered working out freshman year of university. I unexpectedly defied the “freshman 15”, gaining a total of 33 pounds by the end of my first semester alone. To most such an increase in weight would lead to an overweight status, but for me it was beginning of a metamorphosis. I worked out religiously six times a week and swam a mile, often on the same days. I transformed into a physical state that was unknown to my body in the 18 years prior. Since then I continue to strive for my personal optimal form. This pursuit hasn’t been a straight path. Junk food and complacency have led me astray at times. Despite the ups-and-downs on this pursuit towards optimal physicality, it’s a corner of perfection that I won’t cease chasing.

Next on the list, what would perfection be without intellect? Knowledge and mental skill are traits that are not only attractive on their own, but are the essential ingredients for intellect. No one is all knowing, but I believe everyone has a duty to accumulate as much knowledge in this life as they’re able. Excess and abundance are words that can never describe intellect. It simply cannot be justly described as such. With that said, I strive to have my hand in as many cookie jars as possible. I speak six languages, half fluently or advanced ability, absorb and cherish art and literature, and seek to understand science and the humanities alike. A healthy mind is one that never ceases learning. Intellect immunizes a person from prejudice, hatred, ignorance, and today’s epidemic of mass information. It’s often the key that unlocks more and more doors as we progress though our lives. And in that spirit, I refuse to leave this life without opening as many doors as I am able.

Last is perhaps my broadest cornerstone of perfection: prosperity. To me this embodies ambition, obtainment, and transcendence. All of these relate to career prospects, wealth, education, personal wellbeing, etc. Wherever a person may be in these areas of life, it’s a sincere belief of mine that we should pursue them with an upward trajectory. We should be relentless and unyielding in our climb to the pinnacle of our own prosperity. The easiest way for me to conceptualize this is viewing the journey as a climb up a mountain. Each terrace we reach should represent a transcendence to a higher level of being. The climb is exhausting and the air grows thinner with each new terrace reached. Every time we transcend, gravity pulls down on us that much harder, but I refuse to give it and those below the satisfaction in seeing me fall. Prosperity isn’t necessarily reaching the top at the end of climb, rather it’s the persistent act of moving upward. You only cease prospering the minute you plateau and settle for complacency.

With everything said, I feel as though I have to say that I understand perfection is unachievable. It’s not lost on me that I will never become self-omnipotent. I realize the constant pursuit of perfection can be poisonous, but it’s my decision whether I want an antidote. What keeps me from granting myself relief is the promise of excellence. I never thought I’d quote anything related to sports, but in the words of the famed football coach Vince Lombardi, “Gentlemen, we will chase perfection, and we will chase it relentlessly, knowing all the while we can never attain it. But along the way, we shall catch excellence.”